Dream

Have a very strange dream.

I was at someone’s house celebrating someone’s birthday. Can’t remember whose birthday. 

After that, decided to go to school together with my friends (can’t recall who) but went back home with the schoolbags to reduce the load of the bag.

I told  a schoolmate that the two trees outside my window fell on different days. 

Reach my house, a very old school flat . My apartment was at level 23. I have to climb a vertical ladder to reach my house. Two people were blocking my way and I have to ask them to not block the way. After that, I realised I was at the wrong floor because I pressed the button of the lift to level 33. 

I have put aside my schoolbag at one corner to climb the vertical ladder. (Even in my dream, I knew this defeated the purpose of coming home.) Also during the climb, I was wondering how I  climbed the ladder a few weeks ago when in real life,  i have  to walk  with walking stick because of severe knee pain. 

I took the lift again in order to go to level 23, without taking my bag. There were many people in the lift. And the lift went to beyond 100th floor.  I was quite mad because the lift have to go back to many floors before reaching level 23. 

And then, it got worse. The lift suddenly have no access to level 23 and went all the way to ground floor. 

When the lift open, it was nighttime and I have no idea where I was. I was worried that my friends were waiting for me and also worried that someone would steal my school bag, which have my phone, money, etc. 

Trying to go back to my house, I walked panicky looking for familiar places. Somehow, I found a French diner, which reminded me of the restaurant that I went with my friends in Paris a few years back in real life. But yet the surrounding looks more like Taiwan.  

While trying to go back to the right place, I wake up. 

It wasn’t a dream within a dream ala inception. At no point during the dream I knew I was dreaming. All the feelings and emotions were real.  Even in my dream, I was helpless and feeling unhappy because nothing went right. 

The only thing great about the dream was my knee wasn’t hurting. 

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20 to 50

30 years

Youth is gone. Pain is here. 

I just want the pain to go away. 

Inactivity 

I used to jog but has gradually stopped this year because every time I jog, my knee started feeling pain. 

So I walk everyday as my only form of exercise. However, my right kneecap that has niggling pains for many years, finally violently protested. I was limping with an umbrella as a crutch.  Have to rely on muscle relaxer to release the pain. 

Also,  need to rest my legs. I can’t walk too much, can’t go Pokémon hunting. For two days, I lied on my bed and binged watch HK TV dramas nonstop. 

Despite the leg problem, I do enjoy able to laze around without guilt, not going to work and entertaining myself with mindless TVs. 

My knee is still painful. I used to walk to all the neighbourhood for Pokémon raid, now I can only go to the nearest Pokemon gym for raid or forfeit the daily raid pass. 

Hope to be able to walk normally again. I still wish to enjoy holidays, zenning out while walking away my problems and keeping myself fit. 

In the end

There were so many issued that I want to rage on my blog – Oxley Road house, minister’s comments on MRT breakdowns, deadlines and more deadlines, people piling more and more work at me …..

But when I signed on WordPress, I felt so numb and don’t really have anything to write. My mind is full of deadlines over the most boring, unimportant mundane stuff that I can no longer occupy my brain with useful knowledge.

Corporate world wanting me to be their version of me whilst I want to be my version of myself. 

My parents worked so high and suffered so much throughout their lives.  By the time when they can retire without financial liability, they are hit by chronic illness. 

I fear that by the time that I can slam the door and leave corporate world behind, I will repeat their same fate. Or worst, corporate world is Hotel California that I can’t leave. 

In the end, it doesn’t matter. No matter how hard I try. 

Rest in peace, Chester Bennington.  I do not know your name before your death. I only knew your sorrowful voice through Linkin Park. There was a phase in my life that I listen to In The End, Numb etc repeatedly every morning before I face this real world.  

P.P.P.P.

At home, I played Piano tiles 2. 

During commute, I listen to Podcast. Occasionally, I play Plock!

I played Pokemon Go while outside home/office. 

All these fluffy stuffs help me through grinding work life and worries over parents’ health.

Uncertainty 

Life can take such a sharp turn. About two weeks ago, I was so stressed over work until I fell sick. I have yet to recover. 

Then, despite the sickness, I felt happy because I have a short vacation. No work, no stress. 

Then, life spiralled downward after the vacation. Father need a major surgery and is still recovering. He is sad and I am sad too. 

Now, I have triple whammies of personal health, work and family’s troubles. 

Trying to find small joy in life by escaping to books, YouTube, HK dramas and Pokemon go from real life problems. 

Holidays 

After a short break after hectic work life, I felt happier. Before the vacation, I dread going to work.  No matter how I stay back after office hour, I still have tons of work undone. 

Vacation really cleanse the negativity of the past few months. I manage to have good quality sleep during the short break too.  Hopefully, I can continue the healthier lifestyle, but I am worried I go back to the same pattern. 

Keep having headache and joint pains in the last few days.  Hope it go away soon. Need to stretch..